Museums or gardens? That’s the question.
When my partner asked me to write a reflection on my personal perspective of their
coming out to me as bisexual and non-binary, this is the analogy that came to mind. Is it better
for relationships to emulate museums or gardens?
Let me explain:
Museums house the world’s most beautiful things; pieces of art that no-doubt required
detailed planning, painstaking attention to detail, and prolonged dedication. These art pieces are
cared for delicately, ensuring that they don’t fade or decay or change over time.
Gardens, though, are a bit different. They also require planning and detail and dedication,
but the end goal isn’t to create something timeless. Gardens ebb and flow; they grow and
whither; they’re subject to seasons and change.
Now, there are obvious similarities between the two. That much is obvious. However, at
the end of the day, I just can’t accept the idea that relationships should resemble museums. If
someone expects their partner to be frozen in time as the version of their self that took vows on
their wedding, then that person is going to be quickly disappointed. In fact, they’re never going
to see that person again.
The great ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus once famously claimed that “you cannot
step in the same river twice.” Much in the same spirit, I would say that you cannot kiss the same
lover twice. Life is long; people change. And it’s selfish to devote one’s life to a partner and then
only continue to love and be committed to them on the condition that they don’t change.
Relationships are like gardens. They live and breathe and grow and change and require
constant cultivation. My partner today isn’t the same person they were 8 years ago when we got
married. Their sexual orientation is different. Their gender identity is different. Their pronouns
are different. Their body is different. Their political and religious beliefs are different.
Everything is different and yet, when they came out to me with all these changes, it was almost
as if nothing changed at all.
When I step into a river, I don’t expect it to bow down to me and stop flowing. So, why
on earth would I expect my partner to stop changing just because they’ve granted me the
privilege of being a part of their life? To expect as much is quite narcissistic, isn’t it?
I know Aimes asked me to write something from my own perspective about their coming
out, and this may not be exactly what they wanted or what they were expecting, but my
perspective isn’t really what’s important here. I’m not the center of our relationship, and neither
are they. Love is. And that’s one thing, I believe, will never change.