This one is for me, this one is for you. Another ally, another friend, a community to be proud of. I am coming out and I am proud!
Warning: this post is honest, sensitive, and just all around raw. If you don’t think you can handle without judgement, leave.
let’s just jump right on in…
I think women are HOT. I have several early memories seeing sexy posters of women hung by men of my childhood friends in garages or basements and staring in awe of the female form. I had fashion magazines that had revealing pictures and I had no idea what I was doing then but now I know—I totally masturbated to them. I liked women before I ever liked men.
Don’t get me wrong; men are sexy as hell! There is something about my husbands strong, masculine, hairy body that sends me over the edge. But that does not dismiss my attraction for the female body nor does my attraction for the female body dismiss my attraction for the male body. For so long I thought one would cancel out the other; either I am straight or totally gay. As it turns out, I am bi.
looking back:
It took me longer than possibly most to learn this about myself. Perhaps it was my conservative upbringing or maybe I was just naïve to understand my identity. However, I am coming out and I am proud!
Looking back at myself growing up this gift couldn’t be more obvious. But I feel I pushed any thoughts in the back of my mind. You see, I was groomed to grow up to be a “lady”, marry a man, make children, and take care of the household necessities. (Ya know, woman’s work.) At such a young age I was asked who my boyfriend was and will he or my crush be the man I would eventually marry? Partnering with a female was never an option.
This strong attraction I felt towards women just kept being suppressed into my ideas for men I was often called “boy crazy” because I wanted to fulfill my relationship needs and expectations from church and family. However, I just wanted to be like everyone else, go on dates for fun without the pressure of marriage in my mind—for god’s sake I was like 16. But I’m getting off on an entirely different topic. If I was given the option to date or be with whoever I wanted I wonder if I would have figured it out sooner? Probably. It would definitely make sense why I am so freak’n awkward. I’d get so nervous around chicks and dudes—I could never just chill. the. fuck. out. Why? Because everyone made me nervous, I was and am sexually attracted to all of them.
So how did I finally come to terms with the fact I am queer?
Things just kept happening and I kept thinking to myself, “hmmm better look into that later”. I would tuck that thought away in my back pocket and forget. The cycle would continue by another thought or thing would happen and it would remind me about the “little conversation I needed to have with myself”; However, I would too tuck that memory in my back pocket and the process kept snowballing until I finally just had to deal with it. I remember for months in my walking around and saying in my head that I was “bicurious”. (Ha!) Could I learn I am bi this late in life—like, I’m 30? I am married. But this is who I am. This is part of my identity that I never allowed to apart of me.
Then over the course of several months it all was weighing kind of heavy and I felt like the episode of the office when Michael let’s out gossip and I’m Andy running around asking myself “am I gay?”. I finally realized that if I’m asking the question and I’m seriously attracted to both genders, the answer is yes. I just had to accept myself. And I did.
So what does this mean for my family and marriage? They accept me. I told JT and he wrapped me in a hug and embraced me for who I was. Then, asked me about 1,000 questions. (Ha.) This does not change the dynamics of our marriage. I love him and choose only him—forever. I told our kids. They only kinda understand. Boston and Oakley just said umm ya, “girls and boys can marry whoever they want!” I am happy they get to live in a world where they feel so free to do that.
so what now…
Since I raised awareness about my postpartum depression there have been so many women who reached out for help. I want to be able to help those in the same place in the LGBTQ+ community as well. A recent study showed 40% of LGBTQ+ youth seriously considered suicide in 2020. There needs to be a voice, solidarity, and sense of hope; I cannot stand by and not help. So I will be dedicating a portion of my blog to mental health and this will be a major part of it.
This is part of my identity that I have never allowed to be a part of me. I am bi, I am coming out and I am proud! If you find yourself identifying in this realm, I hope you can be proud too.
xox,
aimes (they/them)
